Tuesday, 16 June 2015

dredging up thoughts from darker days

I was tidying up, and found a couple of bits of writing I don't particularly remember writing now, but they are obviously from a time where I was still struggling to get my head around the the whole having MS thing! I'm glad to say I am not still moping around in self pity, I have picked myself up, and feel positive about my life and my future. It's not anything like what I imagined for myself, but life probably never is! I'm still doing the things I love. If I've not found a way to do something, then perhaps it wasn't such a big deal after all!
I'm getting more savvy as a person living with a disability...I can even say the "D" word in association with myself without feeling weirdly fraudulent (I imagine this is quite a common feeling for people getting used to an altered physicality, especially when the change is so invisible). So, to find these two little poems (and I use the term very loosely! They're raw stream-of-consciousness types of poems, not edited or worked on, not particularly intended for a wider audience) was quite a reminder of how low I was back then, and how far I've come with dealing with it - I decided to share the poems here, just to record them, and to add the post script that this disease may well be a game changer, but it's certainly not game over...

Two tiny letters
Carved deep into my brain and spine
Kept close, away from the casual glance
Everything's re-evaluated
I'm overwhelmed and saturated
My only chance to renovate
 Is to demolish and start again
Painstakingly rebuild
 From the ashes of before..
Before I got numb
Struck down and struck dumb
by my own treachery

My Story
The thing I spawned
When I was at the feast
Has grown into
A large and ugly beast
It looks at me
With sad and hungry face
And when I try to run
Hooks a claw around my waist
A parasite
That only I can see
It frays my nerves
And suckles on my energy
Its spiky palms
Run up and down my spine
And then reaches further in
And whispers "you're mine!"