Monday, 17 December 2012

guilt and forgiveness...peace regained in the ravaged brain

This fecking disease!
 It sometimes makes me feel like I'm just being crap ((lazy and forgetful, more specifically),  and making excuses! ... that nagging feeling that I'm freeloading! Rationally, I forgive myself for being lazy and forgetful, and I am aware they are symptoms of my disease.
   I think the real knuckle of what it boils down to, is there's no visible signs of my MS, aside my wobbly legs. My speech doesn't slur or mangle too much..I appear, in a Pulp Fiction kind of way, "normal"! I sometimes think it'd be easier to deal with if it were more obvious.  Like it would validate my symptoms somehow. Like having a decent bruise to show after a small but painful accident! I'm not saying I suffer from people thinking I'm just lazy, that's not the case at all, but the inner nagging  voice is far less forgiving sometimes! You can't help but sometimes hear it whisper, when at a low ebb, telling you that your being lazy, or wilfully forgetful etc, etc! ...but I think when your self destructive side starts playing Chinese whispers with you, it's a good idea to end that game by repeating what it whispers to you out loud, and then try to deal with it! ....So there it is... I'm fatigued and forgetful, and I forgive myself!....(mantra of the day!)


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