Friday, 27 April 2012

firmware upgrade required

not the best day today. Woke up with a really stinking cold, plus I'm on. Fantastic combination. Luckily, I didn't have work today, which I was very glad of. I've been knackered all day, and really quite staggery. I had a bit of a "duvet day", just me and the dog. It has been the kind of day where you really shouldn't attempt anything too clever! I managed to completely overdo some salmon scraps I was cooking up in the oven for making pate. Like by about 3 hours! oops!!
I think feeling so dragged down physically and mentally has affected my emotional state. I had a bath earlier to warm my bones, got a bit overheated, so got out for a break from the heat and laid on my bed briefly. When I sat up to get back in the bath I had a sudden, out-of-the-blue, uncontrollable urge to cry! That caused my mood to spiral, and I ended up feeling really down. I now realise after long chats with my (patient and long-suffering) husband, is that a large chunk of what's bringing me down is my self esteem. I've been feeling useless cos of the things I feel I can't do any more, and was letting despair get the better of me. Well that's just crap and I know it, but once the "you're useless" niggle gets in your head it starts to grow, and to play malevolent tricks on your brain.
As we talked, it started to become clear...I've been trying to work from the old model. I have been dwelling on the things I did before my myelin fell off, and that are not really feasible now. What I really need to do is really take stock of who I am right now and what I AM capable of. This sounds like the easiest thing in the world to do, on paper, but I'v got a feeling it's going to take some time to really adjust to the new model. But as the 18 month cut-off recovery time looms closer, it really is time for me to come to terms with that and move onwards in a satisfying and productive way, cos where I am now is crap and I know that only I can make it better....though I thank my lucky stars I have a soul mate who is happy to listen to me bleating on for as long as I need to. And simply saying all this out loud to someone who cares is so enormously helpful...| have more to say about my fantasic husband, but I'm ridiculously tired now, so it will have to wait for another day


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